Sunday, November 23, 2008

10 1/2 Awesome Vampires

Source? Click here. Includes photos.

Edward Cullen
is one awesome vampire. He's supernaturally strong, can read minds, and is surprisingly handsome for a 107 year old; even the most sensible high school lass would swoon once she saw him glitter in sunlight. With millions of teenage girls lining up to see Edward on the silver screen in "Twilight" this weekend, we compiled a list of the 10 1/2 most awesome vampires in movies.

SELENE
MOVIE: Underworld
ACTOR: Kate Beckinsale
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Unnamed city that looks like Budapest, Hungary
LAST SEEN: Fleeing Lycans.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Skilled in acrobatics and marksmanship. Looks great in a skin-tight cat suit.

COUNT DRACULA
MOVIE: Dracula
ACTOR: Bela Lugosi
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Transylvania, of course
LAST SEEN: Staked by Van Helsing.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can turn into a bat. Extremely expressive eyebrows. Likes to loom over sleeping women.

LESTAT DE LIONCOURT
MOVIE: Interview with the Vampire
ACTOR: Tom Cruise
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Auvergne, France
LAST SEEN: Sucking the blood from a journalist.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: The usual vampire superpowers. Can blend in with a crowd of pirate impersonators.

DAVID
MOVIE: The Lost Boys
ACTOR: Kiefer Sutherland
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Sunny Santa Carla, California
LAST SEEN: Impaled on deer antlers.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can fly. Hair is so gelled that it couldn't move in a hurricane.

COUNT VLADIMIR DRACULA
MOVIE: Love At First Bite
ACTOR: George Hamilton
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Transylvania (expelled to New York City)
LAST SEEN: Flapping his way to Jamaica.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can turn into a bat. Can turn Susan Saint James into a bat. Has a surprisingly good tan for a vampire.

MIRIAM BLAYLOCK
MOVIE: The Hunger
ACTOR: Catherine Deneuve
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Unclear, she's been around for a long, long time.
LAST SEEN: Shriveled, trapped in a coffin.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can hit the clubs of New York without tiring, looks great in leather, can seduce both David Bowie and Susan Sarandon.

JESSE HOOKER
MOVIE: Near Dark
ACTOR: Lance Henriksen
PLACE OF ORIGIN: The Confederate States of America
LAST SEEN: Stuck in a burning car in daylight.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super strong. Can puke bullets. Weird creepy stare.

SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM
MOVIE: From Dusk Till Dawn
ACTOR: Salma Hayek
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Just across the Mexican border
LAST SEEN: Impaled by a chandelier.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Remarkably flexible. Can turn into a silly-looking lizard creature. Looks great in a bikini/albino boa constrictor combo.

MUMUWALDE
MOVIE: Blacula
ACTOR: William Marshall
PLACE OF ORIGIN: A small unnamed African nation by way of Transylvania.
LAST SEEN: Melting from the sun.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Displays a remarkable understanding of 1970s L.A. culture for an African prince sealed in a coffin for two centuries.

COUNT ORLOK
MOVIE: Nosferatu
ACTOR: Max Schreck
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Rhymes with Pennsylvania
LAST SEEN: Bursting into flames from the sun.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can spend inordinately long periods of time in a coffin. Able to spawn numerous remakes. Is really, really freaky looking.

BLADE*
MOVIE: Blade
ACTOR: Wesley Snipes
PLACE OF ORIGIN: Chicago, IL
LAST SEEN: Killing vampires in Russia
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Immune to sunlight. Has serious ninja skills and biceps larger than your head.
*Half vampire. 100% awesome.

Teehee. I know Blade, Selene, Edward, and.. AAAAGH. Lestat. Different Lestat, from Queen of the Damned. LOL.