uhh..

we. are. NOT. tom-free. after. all. how. could. you. do. this. to. us. o.o

system failure. O_O

i still dont know when to take biostat. i might take art app or physics or lit102 this sem. woooooooooot. rawr. rrrawr.

*brainstorm*

sysss....teeemmmm.. shaaaatdaaaawwwwn... *deads*

life.

i was chatting with some people today. i realized that one doesn't have to be too cold or closed up or something, you know what i mean? it's like, i should be open to things. i should spend a bit of my time crawling out of my cold cave and saying hello to the world, opening my mind to new chances. for example, it's not everyday that you get a good conversation with someone. it's not everyday that you get breathless from laughing because of a silly chat or a simple joke.

it's nice to feel appreciated for the time you spent with not just someone, but with people. even if it's just an online chat.

it's nice to share and learn new things from unexpected people. i mean, people who aren't really your close buddies but made you feel like one for sometime. when it ends, it gives a good feeling.. but it's so much better when it doesn't end.

i guess i just miss my best friends.. that feeling of having people around you to keep you sane and insane at the same time. that feeling of assurance.. that they will never leave you. unfortunately, there are uncontrollable things in life. change is inevitable. you will have to learn to adjust, i guess. sigh.. even if it hurts.

woah. tae. continuous ba. if ever i got errors in this entry, forgive me. my eyes are going crazy. eew. o.o

third year, first semester

okay. i just wanna post this... 0.o i'm looking forward to medical bacteriology which is micr221. i just hope the professors are the ones im dreaming of. no bitches, please. my classmates and i need a break from professors like that. we had enough for a year, alright..
im thinking of tweaking some things. like changing a subject. i will have to cross out two things from my schedule. hmm.. how deadly are these subjects?
sometimes i hate the fact that our schedules are fixed. we're like high school students being spoon-fed eh. the advantage of having a fixed, prepared schedule is that we wont have problems signing up for each subject. additionally, the slot is surely yours. o.o well. come to think of it, why would we run out of subjects when we're the only ones who are having microbiology subjects. i mean, it's our major. i dunno about the other courses like chem and bio. but.. yun. o.o

oh well. it's time for dinner. can't seem to lift my ass and go downstairs. there's a lizard in my room. what if it goes somewhere else while i'm gone. make it go away. T.T

the letter game :)

Dear Lubel,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. (And by "our" I mean my romance with some guy of course.) I think I realized it when your dog ran in your camping car and I saw you sit at my father.

I'm sure you're open enough to understand that Extreme Home Makeover sucks.

I'm returning your memories from the military service to you, but I'll keep your left ear as a memory.
You should also know that I will never forget Oprah Winfrey imitations.

Go and drown yourself,
Lauren

___________________________________________________________________

Do it like this:
Dear (the person who last texted/smsed you).
I don't really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___.

I'm sure you're ___6___ enough to understand ___7___.

I'm returning ___8___ to you, but I'll keep ___9___ as a memory.
You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___.

___12___,
-Your name-

1. What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're a loser
Other - I'm inlove with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women's clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance

4. What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit at
Other - Drive out

5. What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs; Man
O.C.; Emotional
One Tree Hill; Open
Heroes; Frostbitten
Lost; High
House; Scarred
Simpsons; Cowardly
The news; Mongolic
Idol; Masochistic
Family Guy; Senile
Top Model; Middle-class

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I've felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we're cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I'm open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David's tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Always will remember
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Fuck off now
France - In pain
Other - Greetings to your freaky family

what a girl wants

When she walks away from you mad
(follow her... )

When she stares at your mouth
(smile...then kiss her... )

When she pushes you or hits you
(hug her tight )

When she starts cursing at you
(say i love you )

When she's quiet
(hold her hand and ask what's wrong )

When she ignores you
(act cute so she'll notice you )

When she pulls away
(pull her back )

When you see her at her worst
(tell her you love her and she still looks amazing )

When you see her start crying
(hold her...ask her what's wrong )

When you see her walking
(approach her...give a kiss on the cheek )

When she's scared
(assure her you're not going to leave her )

When she lays her head on your shoulder
(tilt your head too...and hold her hand )

When she steals your favorite hat
(let her keep it )

When she teases you
(tease her back and make her laugh )

When she doesn't answer for a long time
(reassure her that everything is okay )

When she looks at you with doubt
(back yourself up without lying)

When she says that she loves you
(she really does more than you could understand )

When she grabs at your hands
(hold hers and play with her fingers )

When she bumps into you
(bump into her back and make her laugh )

When she tells you a secret
(keep it safe and untold )

When she looks at you in your eyes
(don't look away until she does )

When she misses you
(she's hurting inside )

When you break her heart
(the pain never really goes away )

When she says its over
(she still wants you to be hers )

When she reposts this
(she wants you to read it )

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

- Tease her and let her tease you back.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is: "Whose ass am I kicking babe?"

m an incoming junior. a fiiiine electrifying incoming junior. yeah. wtf. haha. buzz off. people who have tried walking beside me in a mall would agree that i am electrifying. static hurts them 0_o

enough mong-kay biz.

---

my mom is back. she arrived 5:30 am last tuesday. she didn't go home straight and went somewhere else. where else? im sorry if im making it sound like it was bad.. but no. i understand anyway. i understand that she cant be where dad is. well. she doesnt want to see dad. she doesnt want dad to see her. why? she'll only be collecting insults and disgusting comments or whatevers from him. even if the 'children' are around. god. you dont know how much dad enjoys insulting her. you have no idea. you have no idea..

the stuff dad says about mom hurts. how he insults her. he fucking treats her like trash.

he has a woman anyway. some ugly woman with a pretty chest. what else would the man want from her? the woman gave birth by the way. yes, i have a half brother. this woman is dad's third, btw. mom's second but it's quite.. decent. legal because his first woman, the mom of my kuya, left him.

mom said she'd fetch me later.. her arrival's a surprise.. more of, not wanting dad to know that she's back. i made dad believe that mom will be back after summer. yes. critical things huh? i keep my mom's secret.. from my dad.

where did my mom come from? fremont, california. why? she wanted to work. when did she go there? january 23 of this year... and now. she. is. back.

i should be happy.. i know i should be. cause hell, she is happy. she was so excited of coming back here. but the problem is her husband. who is my dad. hah.

sigh.. talked to her on the phone yesterday. said that she'll fetch me from school. today, she will. that's what she said. i hope she does.

sorry, magulo ba ako magkuwento?

her friend told me so many things. si mommy, ang laki ng pinayat. she was comparing mom to Palito. my god.. i dunno what to think. i dunno what to say. she is effing thin and pale. and weak.

sometimes i wish i live separately.. with my mom.. since dad's for financial stuff lang, we dont really need him around right? what with his woman and his new baby boy. wow. is that where our money goes?

i learned to be thankful that i am in college and i am down to two years. i will do my best not to screw up and keep it to two years. those two years lang. i might kill myself if i take longer here. time's running.

sigh. anyway.. our house sa blumentritt was bought by a tawi-tawi chinese mayor. yes. dad, being so smart, gave all the furniture and left nothing to his mother... yes, my lola. indeed. my lola. so lola dear asked him nicely if she can have the bed. the bed which she shared with my lolo when he was alive. so what did she fucking get? TEARS.

yes. she ended up crying. lola.. ended up crying. she could have died asking for the bed. she explained that it has a sentimental value to her but dad refused.

this, he said to her: anong sentimental value??!! may sentimental value ka pang nalalaman!! putanginang matanda ka.

wala ako masabi. nangiyak nalang ako sa telepono.

right now im thinking that i am scared even though im not feeling scared. i know what my dad is capable of. he can kill his own mother.. he can even kill my mom. sigh. the friend said that dad almost hit lola's head with a fucking gun. uhm. im thinking that it's daddy's toy gun. he was looking for it last week. i guess it's what he uses to threaten people. but he does have a gun. there are bullets scattered at home.. there are some in my room, maybe. i found one.

i dont know what to do. sigh.

the friend said that she will bring me and my mom to lola's house at abad santos. i told her that people might see me and tell dad. the people there are fucking suck-ups. right now i am not prepared for another fight with dad like last time. he's my dad. the king of TNTs during his japan days. i actually picture him as some well-known criminal underground. people there respect him. or show respect to him.. because he has money? sigh. because he owned that big house and his friend is that mayor? because a mayor's son owes him money? because he has millions? because .. i dont know. i cant think.

because he's a barbaric fucking bastard. people are scared of him because they perfectly know what dad is capable of. his woman, btw? originally, he was courting the woman's younger sister. yes. young, fresh, everything a married man would desire? i dont know. but that sister knows how much of an ass dad is. so she didnt give my dad a chance. dad ends up with the elder sister. the woman with a *great* chest. the woman who wears sleeveless and short shorts like any other low class whore. ah yes, a whore. japayuki daw eh. she gave birth not too long ago.

sigh. the friend said that lola wants to talk to my mom this weekend. and that means that i should be around too.. lola said that she'll confess. she has so much to tell. guess she thinks it's time for her to spill..

it's not only her who knows stuff. the people there know. people there know lots.... except us. the.. i dunno. primary family?

lola's relatives living in bulacan know a lot about this shit. how dad treats her. sigh.. sinumpa na siya ng buong angkan ng lola mo sa garay. yeah. exact words yan ha. the friend saw the woman. she said the woman has a body, that's all. coca cola body. no more.

i have so much to face.. if dad finds out that i know.. i dunno. sometimes i wish he'd have a heart attack and just die.

i am sorry for wishing for my fathers's death. i wish mom had a stable job. so that i wont have to live with dad. i think my sisters will be okay with dad. im sure that they will be taken care of. im sure that they will be safe... but then again. i know what he is capable of. but i know that somewhere in his mind, he wont do anything that will hurt my sisters and my brother. my brother is very attached to me, by the way. he is the only reason why i abandoned my plan of moving to a dorm or condo near school. if i were rich, i would buy a condo unit at quezon avenue or north edsa. i will take my brother and my mother with me. my sisters will be fine with my dad. they will soon be in college anyway.

i dunno anymore..